Headless soon

NO, i din do anything wrong...such tt my head is going to roll...

it's that my boss SUDDENLY said he is leaving today...as in...will be in the same organisation but from tomorrow onwards, not the head of my department..

isn't that abit too much of a shock?

I dunno wat the men in this organisation are doing...

getting tired...

so headless for dunno how long...

there goes my getaway for next week...

ppl tell me i still can go BUT how to?

if i am able to let go juz like that, i would have left this organisation more than 1 year ago....

Me..

about me again...

another thought...tt i had earlier when i was on the way home...but couldn't rem when i was writing previous post...and came back to me again just... haha..funny how the brain works..

i tink i am the kind who prefers to know the truth..abt everything tt can be told...full details..full information...so i can fully assess the whole situation and make my decision...

sometimes it might be to accept a decision...but i still need the full details to really accept it...

maybe it's also about understanding the situation so i can deal with it...in totality.

some ppl say the truth is cruel and to be totally honest is hurtful...

maybe i like to torture myself...but i really prefer all the details of the truth...like TOTALLY...

Keeping things from me really causes me more harm than good...

this is living life for me i guess...

hurt me if u need to...deeply...there's no halfway point...

haha...CRAZY girl!

Ability to be vulnerable

I thought I understood something a few days ago..

To be in a relationship wif a person is..

to be able to be totally yourself, totally vulnerable, totally showing any feelings, any emotions

while having the assurance that you will not be hurt, that you will be supported, that you will not be despised, that you will be accepted for all the weaknesses that you possess...

Am I being idealistic again?

Another thought juz came to me...some saying most of us would have heard...

Choose not the person you can live with but the person you cannot live without...

Perhaps that is where happiness is? Where everyone would be making the effort to try hard for each other...where there is imbalance, there's bound to be one party trying harder than the other...

But I seemed to tink that most ppl are only looking for ppl they can live with and not without...

There was smtg in the papers today tt toked abt instant gratification..tt modern ppl are always looking for instant happiness...which is true rite...

no suffering...

If someone caused you so much stress tt u can't tink properly...maybe it's juz not the rite person...?

so much stress tt u r afraid of the person...tt u lose ur common sense...tt u can't help but protect yourself more and in the process you neglect the person..

not a time to say whose fault it is... it's probably incompatibility..?

maybe the person doesn't mean to cause the stress...maybe it's just tt the things tt the 2 persons value are different...

stress does strange things...

and love shldn't be so difficult rite? rs needs work but still is it that hard?

Haven't blogged for past few days... not much thoughts worth writing about..

read the card a few days.. it was true tt it wasn't anything much (according to the sender)...i mean it's sweet but it's not smtg tt would affect my decision...i had tot it might hv smtg which wld affect me more...

had an unpleasant night on friday...

weekends were ok..but i felt more tired than usual..wonder y.. probably sleeping early tonite..

I am a very difficult person...

I need my break to tink about wat i really want.

got a card but not opened it. dun wan to know wat is inside.

I really must know wat I wan before I read it.

That's all for now.

had a chat with my mum this morning...

most married women wld tell me...u oredi made the choice, thus u hv to give more chances to work things out...

i understand tt for a marriage, thr's bound to be problems and difficulties along the way... but for it to work...both parties have to be willing to put in the extra effort.

I might be wrong...

i tink on the surface..it would seemed like I am taking him for granted with my actions... however...deep down...it might be the opposite and i am taken for granted for all the changes tt have been made for the rs to go on till now...not saying thr wasn't any fr the other side but more of whether they were substantial...

i still firmly believe that for me..emotional support is very important...and if that's missing..then the rs does not serve its purpose...

at the moment..although there has been advices to give another chance etc...i still dun feel thr r compelling reasons for me to do that...

tt brings me to another qn..

y does one choose to be in a rs?
- love
- need for companionship
- fear of loneliness
- ???

Another advisor...

Somehow speaking to her today...made me feel better and more optimistic...

maybe she oso spoke to my heart...although i dun tink i am THAT similar to her... i tink she's more independant than me... she sounds like.. otherwise she has been conditioned to be independent like I am...

But she has been conditioned for a longer time maybe..cuz she is more determined to be independent...haha...whereas i still believe that i wan to be taken care of...cuz i told her it's the job tt made me who i am now...strong and everything... but i really still wan someone to take care of me when i am home... possible anot ar?

Another thing...she told me to change my focus...hv a kid...then i wldn't be so bothered anymore by all those things about the rs...but i told her no...it wld be ignoring the existing problems...and bringing another life to suffer in this world...

for her...she feels tt nobody is perfect and if tt person is like tt, really no choice... but to change ur own focus... focus on work, focus on kids..juz put less emphasis on the rs....then won't feel as bad...

she feels tt once i gave up on this. it would repeat for future rs...which i told her maybe not...cuz i dun really wan to anymore...like SO tiring.. being alone is easier...focus can be on work.. juz date ba... then she say dating oso has its own problems...

Human lor.. ma fan...wan and dun wan at the same time... sometimes dun even know wat u wan or dun wan... then sometimes wan oredi...after that dun wan again....

and 1 more thing...she said guys r fan jian... when u dun care so much about them...they come back begging u.... wonder how true tt is....maybe juz apply to SOME guys...

To passerby...

I am seriously wondering if you are someone i know...trying to make me tink more deeply into my situation or really juz passing by and having a similar situation...

Anyway...as i said...where thr is still love, thr wld be a way...cuz no matter wat happens, u still have the motivation!!! cuz i believe tt.. if u still feel for the person...ur motivation would be that...and u wld still try and try...till of cuz the motivation runs out... this is wat i tink...maybe i am very idealistic...

are u married or not married? if u r not, u might want to consider going for a marriage prep course. get a good one. dun go for the centre for fathering though, i wasn't impressed. =(

anyway all the courses conducted would cover conflict management. note that it's not resolution. cuz wat they say is u can only manage the conflict and not resolve them. not possible to.

u might be able to get some insights from the courses...if u would like to settle down wif this person.

since u say u know whr it went wrong...perhaps u can use the motivation to work at it?

hurt and pain...today someone told me..tt human is bound to disappoint. maybe wif this, it is easier to live life? haha...i dunno...it sounds so pessimistic..not my style...

i still wan to believe tt thr is a possiblity of having a good rs...with conflicts and all but still love each other and will work at being together, despite having conflicts... the difference is the love rite?

good luck!

Old Old posts..

Have been reading the ones from Oct 04 onwards..now at Mar 05 and it's getting late so gg to sleep..

will con't tml..

But I same across a few of the entries in Feb-Mar 05..about amrriage...

I think I have forgotten about all these thoughts i had... it's really scary how people can change..with life experiences, work experiences etc...

i have to find tt person back... i tink i have lost my way...throwing myself totally into work...

I have to admit tt the early days were sweet...but if things dun last..it's as gd as nvr happen at all...it's supposed to last a lifetime...but sometimes it doesn't...

it's crazy but i am angry...tt no one pulled me back from watever hole i was digging myself...esp the one who is supposed to be thr for me for everything and through anything...

not possible tt i will change my mind...

my posts...

I am not totally just into myself... i mean...posting all these things about wat i need and all...

when i am in a healthy rs, i tink i do care abt wat the other person need too...and sometimes i feel i get so focused on that tt i lose myself... as in forgot tt i do need some things too...

i am trying to discover again wat i need...

in a healthy rs, where thr is communication..i believe i wld be discovering wat the other person wants and needs too...

just tt at the moment, i really wan to focus on myself for a while...

OneRepublic - Apologize

I quite like this song for a while liao.. but never really found out wat's the title nor the singers... happened to find out today...so posting it now...

quite a nice song...



Lyrics from http://www.lyricsmania.com/ -

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

Bridge (guitar/piano)

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

Something i need too..

I am discovering about myself again... now that i am starting to tink again...

i need hugs everyday from a person i am close to.... why...? a fren told me all women needs hugs...i went to google "hugs"...

from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hug -

A hug may also be exchanged as a sign of support and comfort. A hug can be a demonstration of affection and emotional warmth..

so there you go...i tink i need the support... and the hug is symbolic of it... with the support...u'll feel tt u can conquer the world... i guess at least for me...in fact i tink hugs keep me going...

need hugs........how? lao pos have to give me hugs!!!

Not just passing by...

I guess passerby juz isn't passing by...

i dun mind someone anonymous giving me food for thoughts really...

I do agree tt giving is sometimes better than receiving...it makes me happy too when i give and the recipient is happy... i really am not a very selfish person... i tink some of my frens wld agree.. i am glad to share but i do tink i need to make sure things r 2-ways rather than 1-way...like u r very appreciative etc...wld be quite good enuff...

1-way giving is juz not my thing...and even if i can manage that, it wouldn't last v long...

it's also really more of whether u hv gotten enuff motivation to want to continue giving...motivation is very impt for many things in life... it's the force tt pushes u on to want to do something...whether at work or at home or in rs etc..

and sometimes the case is even if u wan to give...u dun hv anymore to give... cuz u hvn't been getting any...or u hvn't been giving to urself as well...u know like empty...ppl who keep giving of themselves sometimes empty themselves out... for eg. professions like counsellor, do take time off to care for themselves too... so they can give their full attn to their clients when helping them..

i dunno if i will feel btr if i give more...at the moment i really dun tink so...really no motivation and no faith tt things will work out...

About Giving...

response to passerby...i am trying not to be defensive here...although ur comment actually got me abit upset...like who are you to judge me?

more objectively...
i can't say i gave everything i have to the rs...

who can? most do not give everything they have, unless they wan to be left with nothing...and human tend to protect themselves rite? it's juz human nature we toking about here...and another natural thing is tt u tend to protect urself more and more when u dun get wat u wan from something...

but what i can say is i gave wat i can to the rs...more earlier on in the rs and lesser when i wasn't getting wat i need from the rs...

i wld say more of the problem is about communication...than about who giving more or less cuz those problems...probably can be aligned with more communication...

it's just that the problems has persist so long now...it takes SO MUCH more effort to rectify...which both parties are not willing to make the effort now...

oh yes...the other thing... to me i am not expecting alot...but i know expression of love is so different for everyone so wat i tink is little might be alot to another person...i understand tt.. so can it be tt the 2 ppl r juz not tt compatible then? if being together is so difficult and needs SO much more effort?

not saying rs shld be ez...but SO much effort? even if tt's the case...i tink the key shld be love and commitment...which has been lacking...

The House Test

As recommended by Amelia....ripped it off her blog...long time since i went thr...

What the House Test Says About You

You are happy with who you are, and you don't have an inflated sense of self importance. You do your own thing quietly. You don't take up a lot of space. You are very community oriented. You like to buy local, know your neighbors, and live in a neighborhood that matches your personality. You are a playful, charming, and seductive person. People feel instantly close to you. You take good care of your physical appearance. You dress well, stay in shape, and do your best to look great. You are moved by romance and love. You are optimistic about people, and you love hearing about happy endings.

The House Test

Another insight..

After a long chat, a friend told me she feels i have decided... I said i have... unless something very drastic happens...otherwise i think i have...

characters cannot be changed...needs remain unchanged...and the unhappiness will persist...

another thing we discussed...making changes for each other in a rs.. tt's normal and even to be expected since for 2 ppl to be together, it's impossible to have a perfect fit...compromise and working together is impt. for me, i have thought abt this and decided i hv changed..unknowingly in the rs...things which are deeper down and things i dun regret changing - being calmer and better wif money...but i juz din feel the same fr the other side of the rs...my perception..and of cuz i dun mind someone telling me otherwise.

anyway her opinion is tt she feels he shows tt he cares when we are out together... but maybe it's on the surface (after hearing me out). deep inside...i dun tink changes were really made... she said, after hearing wat i said...she understands wat i am saying...as she is the same too..with regards to some of my expectations etc...maybe it's juz wat women need and how sometimes men can't match up...

all these r more on hindsight...cuz i haven't really tot abt everything till recently. when u r in it, u dun really tink rite? u feel and things happen naturally...i prob shld hv TINK and TINK before it's now abit too late...

she told me tt the thing i will miss most is a person who has always been there for me since i got to know him...i said that person has been there physically BUT not providing support for a while now... in that sense...i wldn't really be missing it... BUT anyhow i said i still wld feel something and i know it...

whether i am prepared for this or not, i am not sure...

I might even be very devastated for quite a while...as i always am when i lose someone (Whether by choice or not)... my reactions are juz slow for such things when making decisions (cuz it's using brain and not heart)...the effect sinks in only when everything is settled..(heart starts taking over to feel the loss)

however i believe wif my frens around me, i wld recover...eventually. and wif busy work schedules etc...time shld pass faster...

i definitely wld feel lonely at times...inevitable...but if smtg is necessary...i can't fight it juz cuz of temporary discomfort...

i prefer to take this short term pain rather than to suffer for the rest of my life..and i feel i am too young to resign to destiny...better now than to wait till thr r more and more deterents in future..

So i guess...in a very unprepared way...i have made a decision...

i juz prayed that my frens wld be thr for me...and if not, i have to be strong and independent...all by myself...

Weekends..

I normally feel better during weekends...as in not as bothered by my problems..

- Probably cuz I have all the time to tink about my problems...cuz no need to tink about work...

- Friends have been asking me out...so I guess my time is also occupied...

- No need to wake up early to go to work...that's definitely a good thing...

- No need to be faced with the problems at work... Argh!

Can everyday be a weekend? =S

*******

My break is coming up...need to discuss with my friend about the 'retreat'...maybe sentosa...anyway that's quiet since i just need the space to tink...at home is good too...as long as my little ones at home leave me alone..slim chance though! =S

Have to find refuge somewhere quiet... *thinking*

Since it all began...

I just noticed..

I have written 350 posts since I started this blog in Oct 2004...which is about 3 years and 9 months...

Not that many...haha...guess i am a woman of few posts...? =þ

me...part 2

I force people to a corner then see how they react...

i am juz too complicated for real people too...can anyone understand me ever?

*************

y can't u do wat u tink i need and wat u r sure i need? u know it and can name it...BUT juz can't do it....

pride and ego....? fear of rejection? pathetic...

obviously u love urself more than anything in this world...

me..

my previous blog was supposed to have this title but i went out of pt...y i got out of bed..ok i can't slp. tt's 1 but oso i suddenly tot of smtg...

i tend to make my problems bigger..i need someone by me who wld help me make them smaller.. so they dun seem so difficult to manage...

today i was toking to nic..and the topic went to having kids and being a mother... she asked me if i can be a good mother... i told her no. I tink the we were toking abt partners first...i told her i need a partner who really understands me and can support me... so to this new question, i linked it back.. if i hv this partner tt i tink i need..i prob can be a gd mother....

after tinking...i eventually told her...i wld be a gd mother...cuz i hv to if i am thrown into the situation... like i was for my current job..i will adapt and fit into it... but she said...u r not happy... my response was - well..i can do it and tt's the pt rite? and so the happiness wld come fr being supported...

***********

i also thought abt another thing...i wonder if it has any links..

i tink i hv been disappointed quite many times...maybe cuz i am too idealistic...or has high expectations..and real ppl juz can't match up...

lack of emotions..

i suddenly wished i din give tt many people my blog address...i been writing so much private stuff..it's like opening up my diary for all... v strange...

anyway...maybe those who feel u dun wan to look at ppl's diary...can stop visiting? haha...i guess reading blogs and about other ppl's life has become a daily habit for many nowadays...difficult to stop rite?

it's the dilemma of the internet age...

i was telling nic yty tt i been using so much msn tt i forgot how to hv real emotions.. pathetic rite? everything happens with a 'haha' or 'hee' when in real life, while typing, u might not even be smiling...cuz u trying to juggle 10 chat windows... and for me, i tink i lost the ability to cry...

tt day i said i cried...i had drank before that.. so probably body was more relaxed and emotions could flow more easily... my poor fren was an unsuspecting victim of my sudden outpour..

internet...and msn...and emails...and all those icons... can we live without them? Ans prob is no. but it isn't doing us much good either.... sigh...the dilemma of the information age...

Ups and Downs...

Thanks Tippy..I think was insightful. And prob how I think too.

Just that decisions take a lot of courage and I was never good at such things.

Otherwise wouldn't have made a wrong decision which led to so many wrong decisions...

*******

Wondering if leaving my job would be easier. But I really can't leave now...due to a few reasons... Got to hang in there till at least early next year...

I need a break from my job to really tink about things... work has been taking all my brain power for the past 2 yrs plus...how can I allow my life to become so unbalanced and yet not notice it?

maybe 2 mths wld be nice. Next year...early next year...I will take a 2 months break...

Now I still got to slog and make things work...

as consolation..i'll prob take a week off to clear my mind of work and tink abt me and my problems...

*******

Life just isn't easy....

*******

Sharon sounds like she is having a lot of fun in Japan...tt's gd! it'll do her a lot of good to find a bigger world and broaden her view...

I need one of these too, maybe..?

李圣杰-你们要快乐-歌词

A song that I told a fren about a while ago...

李圣杰-你们要快乐-歌词

你哭着拿下银手链还我的时候
最近你躲我有了理由
别说我的爱让你惭愧不配拥有
珍惜不就是温柔

但你说抱歉爱上了我的好朋友
原来心酸比心痛难受
茫然的走到了门口
倔强还是念旧

我听见我回头说

你们要快乐要天长地久
你们没有错爱是自由
走出这扇门后至少
我还有辽阔

你们要快乐要紧紧牵手
你们不幸福我会难过
成全最爱的人不是为了
看着她寂寞

过去曾让你笑得很甜
不代表有权利要你纠结
虽然遗憾爱情也有它的季节
风不能吹就作最潇洒的落叶

庸人自扰

没有心的交流，一点意义也没有。

What woman want...maybe?

Chatted with an older person earlier today...about marriage and women...

What do women really want? Like REALLY...

Someone who she can depend on and also takes care of her

So she would be comfortable to make the sacrifices, knowing that she has someone to fall back on, whether or not she is successful herself.

What a woman need, whether traditional or modern, is really someone who can take care of her and also understands her. It is only when women do not find that person that she has to become strong and take care of herself, which I believe is happening to a lot of women nowadays.

I believe I am such a person too, if I can find someone whom I am comfortable with and whom I believe can be dependable and takes care of me. I am willing to make sacrifices if I know someone will always be there for me and I can fall back on.

Does such a person really exist? Maybe not...cuz life probably doesn't allow people to be THIS giving nowadays...everyone for themselves rite?

Anyway...Is this what women really want in current times??

Is all this too idealistic?

Life - filling a void...

Is it justificable to find someone else to fill a void in your life which your spouse can't fill?

And whether the void is physical or emotional.. And which is worse?

Men... able to separate sex and love...

Women... tend to associate love with sex...

People are so complex nowadays... why do people bother to get married?

Temptations are everywhere...Commitments not worth much these days rite?

I am being negative... but there is truth rite? Let me know if you know someone who married in the last 5 yrs, childless, still married and still happy. Plus whether they had any problems with affairs... Let me know if you know someone like that...

I need some positive figures...

When you are very sad, a person who loves you would be there for you, by your side...

No matter how hard it is...or how hard it is going to be in future...

That's how a person who loves you would behave... so it shows the truth when the person doesn't do that...

When you cry, the person manages a 'why din you tell me earlier?' and that's it...no other actions...do nothing else..feels nothing else... so there really is nothing else...

So the person dun love you.

Give thanks..

I have to write this...cuz i tend to forget... i tink my blog serves a very important purpose..i am starting to realise.

I think in the midst of all the rushing and work and everything the modern world demands of every one of us... we tend to forget things...

i forgot many things too... i was reading thru wat i wrote since Jan 06...before i started this job...to ard aug 06...i started to rem things...but i wld be reading on..juz no time yet...

anyway..this blog entry is give thanks...

all the frens - Deb and Jun who took time off to accompany me for a session of Jazz by the beach! Esp jun cuz she's always so bz. haha... and deb for suggesting and organising... and having a good time wif me...and listening to me...scolding me oso..cuz it's wat frens should do. really.. when i do smtg wrong..u shld not hesitate to scold me... cuz it's for my gd.

Those who have been showing concern over the net etc....some not really tt close but shown concern over my status updates and nicks... grateful too. Cuz it shows ppl still care...

Nic - for juz toking to me... i dunno y toking to u makes me feel btr today... maybe cuz of ur candid...or the simplicity... and i never regret joining the company mostly cuz i met u and sharon! it has been a wild ride but everything was worth it.. this is life...

sharon - for offering to share ur tiny room! hee... I really am tempted!!!! someone advised me to let the idea sink for a day...then decide... i oso need to check my finances!! And of cuz...for listening... sometimes i juz need someone to listen... this is smtg i need to learn too..just to listen...w/o judgement...

my sister - though she doesn't read this...*as i say my blog is more for reminding myself* she has been showing me concern too. in her way... on msn..when i said i have to take care of myself cuz no one else will... she told me she will... then when i told her i wanted to go japan..she told me to go...w/o hesitation...when i say finances might be a problem. she said she can lend me...again w/o hesitation. I dunno y i am shocked.. but i guess i juz din expect tt. i juz din. maybe cuz i always been closer to frens than family...i dun expect tt from her... as i grew older, i am starting to realise tt family is really very impt...maybe i will learn to treasure them more now..

someone - for still supporting me in spite of wat i hv done. in spite of all the pain u hv to go thru... i honestly tink i am not worthy...thanks.

for me, i hv to learn to love a person again... i tink i probably forgot how to..rather than nvr knew how to...

Thoughts..

Realised over the weekend after talks with several frens...

That I never really knew how to love...most of the time, juz love the way ppl love me..maybe like the attention...

I tink I shld take some time to learn that...

The way I am now...I dun deserve love...dun deserve anyone to love me...

All i do is to care for ppl...never really loved...

Need a book...

Hey...I need a book to read...any suggestions?

About self love...

Click on the link below..there's a very interesting article.. about how to love yourself...

there is a part about how we are conditioned to behave like we are helpless, weak, sick to get attention, acceptance or love.. which i tink is v true... many people are like tt...

instead, it tells us to forgive ourselves for our past mistakes...take responsibilities in our life and advocates tt our thoughts create our reality!

I think i was like that till i fell into this misery... Should bounce out of it i guess..so as t create a better life for myself... whichever i choose... of cuz with the consent of affected parties...

I can do it! I must do it! For my work...for myself...for everyone who cares about me...

I feel my mind is set...whether or not there would be regrets in future...

Insonmia again?

have been lying in bed for past 30 mins.. cldn't slp... had tot i was tired..i tink i was... but tink mind too active..and kept tinking..till can't slp...

was tinking of smtg i wanna write on...now forgotten.. :S sign of getting old...or maybe mind is juz too active...

Wounded again..

I realise I am deeply wounded again...when i trust too much...

Crying...

Yesterday I cried...alot...

Why I cried? I am not exactly sure...tink it's a lot of pented up emotions...with no outlet...

There isn't a specific reason...not sure if there was a trigger...

I just did...shld have felt good to release all those feelings but I dun...yet...

Not sure why again...maybe not enuff...

Ways to Generate Love ~ from The Love Foundation

Forgive - Forgiveness is a wonderful way to release the past and to love unconditionally. Drawing a line behind you, you can free yourself of limitations and be at peace with the process of life. Move forward to new beginnings.

Meditate - sit quietly, breath deeply, visualize your heart as a blazing orb of light

Be still in any moment of confusion, fear or anxiousness and focus on your breath. In the stillness comes the solution

Look into a mirror and see yourself as for the first time and say, "I love myself Unconditionally."

Journal - write out your feelings to better help yourself understand who you think you are and how you really view yourself.

Hug someone.

Hug yourself.

****************************

I found it hard to look at myself in the mirror and say "I love myself unconditionally". It's not something most people would be comfortable to do right? If you are really serious about it of cuz. If not serious, anyone can do it. It's when you look at yourself seriously in the mirror and say it..which is hard.

Loving unconditionally stems from self love...according to the site.

It's true rite, if you dun even love yourself, how can you love another person? To begin wif, you might not even understand the concept of love.

No thoughts Day

A day without an entry.. strange...maybe all the thoughts have popped up and there isn't any left now.

Anyway it's interesting that I finally found someone who know what I am talking about today! maybe cuz she had been in the similar situation..so she knows why I might the decision.

I would say my situation is not as bad as hers...although similar...same laidback partner...and feel like there isn't communication...

I guess mine is still considered a good guy, just not sure how to communicate perhaps...

It's more of i am tired of pushing...and not that he is bad...

u might tell me all guys need pushing..now and then... If that's so, single is the way...

But what i think is...when guys wan smtg bad enuff...they will feel motivated... so I dun tink ALL guys need pushing... but i would agree many guys can get too comfortable too fast..., esp if married... like the job is done and the deal is sealed...

Oh..another happy thing.. an old fren called me today, from m'sia! He had invited me to KL for a visit a while ago and suggested July. Since I am quite in need of some travelling...asked him about it and he called me!

Told me about his recent happenings.. i guess his situation was more complex than mine although i had my bad times too...in the past... As i mentioned in an earlier post, no pain no change.... he says he is changing finally... but i said, let's see! haha..somehow i am not convinced that he is going to change his frivolous ways!! But I hope I would be proven wrong! This new girl of his looks quite good and seemed to be able to tahan his MCP ways!

Anyway..this is a guy that I used to like, more than 10 years ago...I dun lose frens...so ya..there we were, toking just now and joking that I am thankful we never got together! Cuz i tink we prob would have killed each other, cuz both doesn't give in! haha...

So there, I might be making my way to KL very soon... =þ Anyone wanna join me? I think Sharon would have if she isn't in Hot Hot Kyoto!

Lyrics for the song...

请让我靠近你轻轻对你说
别让我每个夜为你受折磨
是多么不容易才默默放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
别让我因为你被回忆折磨
而空气凝结了我们的脸孔
我别无选择

就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意

再让我靠近你轻轻对你说
当我说我要你从此好好过
是真的否则我怎么肯放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
赐给我你现在幸福的笑容
别让恨冻结了我们的脸孔
请你做选择

就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意

心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意
就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意
(心还想着你)

Song by 伍家辉 ~ 虽然我愿意

My xiao mei introduced this song to me... It's really nice...


Try listening to it...

Thank You!

Thanks to all who have been reading my thoughts...and those who have been showing concern and offering a listening ear and advices through sms, msn, face-to-face, etc...

Really appreciate it very much...

I have been thinking alot and need an outlet..seemed to be feeling better today but let's take 1 day at a time...

Just wanna thank all of you! =)

The path...

I find it inspiring to tok to people recently... haha..maybe cuz I am noticing things again...or maybe i am toking to ppl again... have been SO obsessed with work and work and work...

i told someone tt i am learning to be thankful for the good things in my life again and that I haven't been a very nice person for a while..

He said, maybe you lost your way and is coming back to the path again...

my reply was that...but the path seems to be a different one from the previous..

******

Another incident..

A fren told me that she sensed a change in me.... that i am not really as dependent on my partner anymore... i prob used to be...

my answer...was that maybe cuz i can't really depend on this one for anyof those things i need... that's y i am depending more on myself (and maybe frens)...and oso my job made me stronger...

But what I really wanna be...is juz a woman...having someone to take care of me... whether it's financially, emotionally, well-being, health... just something...

If he doesn't earn much, i can work harder...as long as i get the support in other ways...at least make me feel like the rs is still worth working for....

Anyway...i tink financial support is the least a man can offer... but wat is most impt is really the emotional support... cuz that's smtg less replaceable...

If money or the legal aspect is the only thing holding a rs together...it's too fragile...

No Pain...No Change..

For me..i tink this is true.... Actually for many people too...

Everyone needs a wake up call...some ppl need more...

only when something big happens...and u realise that things hv gone wrong...that u suddenly panic and wanna change....

Sometimes there is a chance.... other times...there isn't...

perhaps it's impt to always have a level of awareness about wat's happening around u and if things are going ok...

or maybe it's oso impt to keep assessing and asking IF u sense smtg is amiss.... or even if nothing is happening... always good to show concern rite?

ppl aren't saints... there isn't a perfect person who can gives constantly and not expect anything in return... even if dun expect...oso won't mind having something in return rite...

For my own record and thoughts.

Flew-Away Kite

There had been some analogies of a relationship resembling kite-flying...

If you pull it too tight, the string will break...and the kite will fly away with the wind...

If you give it too much slack, the kite will fly further and further away...if there is wind...otherwise it will probably fall to the ground..

But if you keep letting the string and the wind is strong till there is no more string to hold on to the kite...the wind will take the kite away with it...

thus...it's impt to know when to pull the kite back...and when to let it fly....

Arguments = Engaging Each Other

I remember that during the marriage prep class, the counsellor mentioned tt even though arguments might not be constructive...it shows tt the couple is still engaging each other...

This i agree. I tink arguments are important. not too often but yes necessary. Shows tt the 2 individuals are still individuals and have own opinions and might not necessarily always agree wif each other. tt compromise is still possible... tt both r still making the effort to communicate AND give in to each other...

Perhaps I look like i want people to give in to me ALL the time... but i tink it's the biggest mistake.. i also wan to be able to give in to people.. so i know i still am concerned about the person enuff to make the effort too.

And tt the power is still balanced... if one side always gives in and the other never....it shows that the power is really off balance liao... and resentment builds up.

Tot of this, cuz i heard my sister arguing over the phone wif her hubby working in china. Has a fiery temper, worse than mine but they are still okay...even though my BIL has been working in china for 2 or 3 yrs now...very long time... still engaging each other...which is very important..i know they tok to each other everyday. which is oso very important. keeping each other updated wif daily happenings in ur lives...tt's sharing the lives...

diff ppl...diff rs...diff ways to cope...diff ways to engage...

communication is very impt...and needs to be constant...

Be Kind...

oh yes... I think I need to read this....

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Kind

Need to summarise this and pin it up in office!

Strong hand in Relationship

I suddenly have a tot, i think women are the ones who are stronger in a relationship most of the time. as in emotionally. am i rite?

Maybe it's cuz I am not..that's y my rs keep failing...

cuz the men aren't strong enuff to pick up wat I can't cope wif...and support me at the same time..

Feel sad again... men...can I live without them pls?

Another one about Love

I am so obsessed with this recently rite? Cuz I think i dun understand it at all. Dun understand a lot of things that is happening in my life recently.

I guess i know why they happened. how they happened. wat happened. But there are still things I dunno. Confusing again.

Anyway...there is this part about self love before you can love someone else...

Wat is the difference between self love and selfish? I mean of cuz they are different. But I'm more wondering whr's the fine line that divides the 2?

When u love yourself too much, you become selfish cuz you keep thinking about yourself rite? But is that also stemming from real self love? I prob got to read up on this.

There is 1 thing I think I know about self love...is that you are secure with yourself and you can be an independent person. You do not NEED another person to be with you to give you an identity. Rite?

I feel many people do not have this nowadays. I sometimes feel i dun too. Many ppl can't love themselves so find someone else to love them.

I know i like to be needed. And i oso need someone to be with me. I realised that long time ago. After a few breakups and rebounds etc...I decided that I need a break (at least 6 months) between relationships. To fully recover from the hurt and get myself ready to love and be love again.

But I think sometimes I dun fully recover.

When you get into a rs rite after a broken one, you bring your old baggages into the new rs. and sabotage it before it can even start. Old unkept promises start to haunt this rs. Grievences about the old bf corrupts ur mind and causes you to place restrictions on the new one...

Not justifiable rite? So I avoid that..once I know it's happening to me. Although I still fall into the trap of having someone wif me. mostly a fren...and most of the time, guy fren. and oso many a time, this guy is probably interested in me. how pathetic rite?

Why can't I just be alone for a while? You know, juz live life simply..do my own things...read, run..etc... be happy wif myself. Have I ever been able to do that before?

*paused to think*

Sadly, no.. ok..maybe. yes..but the period of time is always too short. After breakups..i am normally out wif frens a lot. party a lot. shop a lot. juz keep doing things to occupy myself. Cuz emotions are hard to control. and mind wanders.

I have very diff coping styles for the few breakups i had too. There was 1 particularly bad one, I was in bed for ard 1 mth... juz work and home. din really go out. and when i get hm, it's straight to room and on bed. Another one, I was still constantly complaining about the rs and the bf till i myself got SO tired of hearing everything and i stopped. And tt's the end of it.

But most of the time, there was a guy somewhr waiting for me to recover. i really shld learn how to get on my own feet w/o the assurance of having someone NEED me... I really want to. and need to.

A movie...The Good Girl..

This is a rather strange show... I really wanted to watch a movie at home... it was borrowed from Caiwei quite a while ago. but i hv nvr had the time to watch it... Work and a few other things fill my life...

Some quiet time at home today was really blissful.

About the movie... about this girl, she is 30 yrs old, married for 7 years. no kids. working in a supermarket, living with painter (paints house) husband. Life was simple and normal and, from an outsider's view, perfect.

She felt like a prisoner. Her life, her job, her marriage... all prisons, keeping her in. Felt no one understood her.

one day a new guy (22 yrs old) started working at the same plc. this guy looks like he hates the world and vice versa. she started getting curious and befriended him. Sharing the same 'views' and grievences about life, they hit it off and soon started an affair.

But this guy has a problem with addictions - drinking, drugs. Takes control of her using emotional blackmail.

People started to get to know about their affair and misfortunes unfolded.

In the end..the guy, tinking that he could run away with this girl, robbed the supermarket to get money. To him, with money, they could do anything. The girl made the decision not to run away but to face it all. Turned the guy in, although the guy killed himself before the police got to him.

The girl got pregnant. The husband also got to know about the affair. But in spite of it all, forgave her and accepted the baby too, even though it might not be his.

I guess this is real love, tested by a bad mistake made in a moment of weakness.

How often does affairs happen in real life? I am starting to think quite often. Somehow I dunno why...I find that affairs probably happen more often than we think they do. We just dun say it out loud in public. And in spite of that, marriages sometimes dun end up in wreaks even though 1 party was unfaithful.

That is where the true love comes in. OR is that just being weak? and unwilling to admit that you have lost your spouse to another person?

Maybe I am paraniod about true love... I think I am. Can anyone show me a real life example of true love? Wat is it? I know i asked this in an earlier post... I still can't figure it out. Even after reading the wikihow posted in the comments. I mean they were great suggestions but i need an example..some role models to learn from.

Perhaps around us are too many bad examples. When we see such things happening...we can't help but tink it's normal.

I think I am confused.

Time for self reflection..

I ought to reflect on myself...

and why people tell me not to do certain things... that would show me wat I have been doing... cuz I might not even be aware of it...

for example... ppl tell me to tok nicely to someone... tt shows i have been un-nice rite?

i probably have been a terrible person over the past 1 yr or so... got more and more arrogant...? and self-absorbed...?

But it's not too late...to reflect and improve on myself...

As Sharon put it, sometimes people like to empty out their whole life before filling it again...

But it's not possible, rite?

when the life is totally empty...would there be a will to live? and wat about memories? those can never be emptied rite?

However, I do think I need to clear my life of men...All men... why can't women live without men? life would be so peaceful.. i know it would be boring too...

the book about women fr venus and men fr mars. has this concept. women and men were able to live peaceful lives on their respective planet, until men found women... and conflicts started...although attraction is there...the differences are evident...

Are human beings just trouble seekers?

Enuff for the moment.. got to get some breakfast...and brother needs mj kaki... the saying goes...loser at romance but winner at gambling? i hope so... haven't won at gambling this year at all till now... maybe it will change?

Afternote:
I still lost! :S

Selfishness...

I have been selfish....

dragging people down like that with me...

Insomnia?

I woke up at 6.30am just now and couldn't fall back to sleep...

resulting in me getting to office at 7.53am, according to my watch which is slightly fast...

Have never reached office SO early! was the 2nd person in office...i tink i am going mad.

Lost the will to live

I really feel like juz giving up...

Considering my current emotional state... I dun tink a normal person can work...

But yet...I am still slogging away at 9.30pm...without dinner...

Have I sold my life to this company or what? Maybe I should consider leaving earlier than end of the year...

Blog Diarrhea...

Have been having this blog diarrhea for a while... a few blogs a day... going mad! This marks the most active period of my blog for a long long long time!

Physically OT..Brain also OT...

Was thinking...in a rs, the 2 parties will need each other...but to different extent...

It's gd if both parties need each other to around the same extent.. then no power struggle...

As long as 1 needs the other more... power struggle will start...

it's tough to maintain such relationships rite...if there is power struggle...

but of cuz...if the balance of power is managed well... then it wouldn't be a problem too...

Better late than never?

Sometimes too late is as good as never...

why does people normally realise something is wrong only when it's too late...?

Is it cuz u r not the one suffering...so u dun realise the torment the other party is going thru...enjoying the good times... and when things change... u say something like 'but u never told me'

according to http://www.wikihow.com/Love,

one of the tips given is - People in love are sensitive to each other's needs, and endeavor to meet them even when they do not feel like doing it.

key here is to be sensitive to each other's needs...

If one is sensitive to the other person's needs...then is there a need to say it out?

And as I browse through the site...chanced upon another page http://www.wikihow.com/Maintain-Romance

It's scary how all the thing mentioned were absent for a long period of time...

End of the day..

It's end of work day again... But I am staying late today... have been procastinating and thus work has been piling... since I had a good sleep last nite.. I should work harder today!

Somehow heart abit not here too...so the work I am going to submit might be more shabby.. =(
not really my style but deadline has to be met! I am but a human..can only try my best.. human has moods and downtimes too...

This week seemed to pass real fast! It's end of Wed oredi and soon..end of the week but I am working on Sat... Took leave on Monday for a break.. planned for facial in the morning..then might head to Sharon's home to help her unpack! hee..sounds interesting...and a relaxing day... Actually I might consider going to sentosa too... 1 place i used to go very often when I din feel so fat like now.. haha... age has added some layers around my tummy...

Monday, 7 July seems a popular day for taking a break. I might ask FY to go Sentosa too..IF he is keen... he was complaining about not being able to go on a Saturday...cuz a lot of work commitments coming few weeks!

Now feeling a little down... tt's y logged in here... so pathetic rite... feel down then blog... it's like how I treated my diary when i was still writing one... but now this one is public... therefore need to be mindful of what I write... although haven't been THAT mindful too.... :S

Friends have been asking me if i am okay...those who read my blog.. i dunno wat to say... sometimes i feel i shldn't tok too much... like I am still unsure and all... but when ppl ask me...everything tends to pour out... so...i dunno wat to do..

Divison of time

Another thought came to me...

I think i need so much time from a person I am with...like in a rs.

I have been dividing my time over 4 different aspects of my life for the past 1 yr...before I could fill up everything...

Work, Friends, Dewei and a very special friend...it's like WOW..that's a lot of work for just 1 person rite? If that person is to provide for all that?

I know wat I am thinking but Not sure if I have put it down in a understandable manner.. haha...

I just tink it is quite demanding on 1 person to cater to me... haha... Such a demanding woman...

I have read somewhere before... women really need other women... cuz their husband can't provide for everything they need... which is true lor. Then wat are these men for ar? tsk tsk tsk..

How to Love?

Last nite I slpt at 9.15pm! Woke up once at 4am...but fell back to slp...and woke up again around 7am... So that's 10 hours of slp... though not totally restful cuz filled with a very long dream... I can't even rem wat the dream is about...I rem I was going on a trip with some people, can't rem the people...can't rem where...but I also rem there was a trip..as in really went on that trip or something... well..quite ptless to write about it but memories of it too vague...

When I woke up...i do feel more rested...thank gdness. else wasted my 10 hrs! And a thought came to me... Do I know how to love?

Then a line in a song keep ringing in my mind...a song by fish leong.. goes “爱一个人，希望他过更好”..a line from "暖暖"...I never thought this song left a deep impression on me... But it just came to me this morning...

Do I really know how to love someone? Have I always only fall in love with the way someone loves me? How I love? And How do I know Who I love? What is Love anyway?

Besides love, there is also commitment... what are these? purpose? meaning? how? why?

I think I find it difficult to go by that line i mentioned above... although that might be the essence of love...like u really wan the best for a person u love...

Perhaps...it is difficult for 1 person to always be trying and the other to be taking... that's y i find it hard...and the expressions of love is different from different people too...how to gauge wat is rite and wat is wrong expression of love?

Probably need to keep learning and adjusting because people change too...whatever it is...being laidback and expect things to always be the same is not the way to go...

Taking all the time is also a sure way for love to die...

Commitment is one thing but a burden is another... love dies and if only commitment is left... I think in current times... commitment isn't worth much... so...need to keep learning and adapting to each other to ensure a rs can continue... hard work...

And for me..once someone makes a mistake...difficult for me to trust again... WHY should I put myself on the line again...? What is the compelling reason why I should do that?

Being married is not a very good reason...cuz in the first place, before I went through the wedding...I oredi had doubts about the whole marriage thingy... when you see so many affairs going on and divorce etc...it's hard to place your faith onto something so vulnerable...

1st day of 2nd half year 2008...

This year passed too fast rite? It's oredi July... If I am leaving early next year...tink it would happen really fast!!!

Still surviving on 1-2 very light meals a day...and slpt total of 6 hrs over past 2 days...yet did not feel tired... shld I see a doc or smtg? Is there something wrong wif my body, like malfunctioning...and will I juz collapse one of this day cuz the body suddenly decided it has had enuff nonsense...

There was a post that I mentioned I liked hearing the chimes that come from the SCDF PA system on 1st days of the month every month. Had remembered it is 1st July today in the morning when leaving hse..but when it was 12nn...i forgot to listen out for it... sigh...was a little sad after... cuz the chimes always give me a feeling of hope...for the coming month..


On the way home....was tinking... and feeling tt my emotions are not as strong as they have used to be...when I was younger...and they seem to be more easily suppressed beneath the surface...like i feel sad...but can't cry....and still can smile and go about life normally...

I used to be able to shout and say very angry words and like really quarrel with people...and cry and everything... Now I just say nothing...feel nothing... everything happens beneath the surface... and not strong enuff..even to bubble out..


This is a result of age...mellowing down.... OR juz tt i am dead-ify recently...like can't express feelings... OR a sign of a very thick wall that protects myself from hurt..?

Lost thoughts

9.37am - Am in office...had an idea to blog..now i lost it amidst clearing work... haha...

Shall see if i will rem it again later...

***********
9.48am - I remember now...I think...

this morning a few friends, who have not chatted with me for a while, did..early morning..so was quite amused.. haha... i know they dun hv access to my blog..so it's prob not cuz they read...

I guess people are still able to sense things around them? even thru cyberspace...

Finally some silver linings..

I'm glad we chatted...and till 3am somemore! my god!!

Now it's almost as good as new...and haha...i got to be careful of my life too...maybe someone wanna cook curry and forgot to get ingredients ;þ

That's about Sharon...

Then oso got to thank Kelvin...either his 6th sense...or he reminded me...i really shld go re-connect with Sharon... my answer was it's not really the same...after tt incident...and i believed tt..

When i login msn and she was there, i chatted with her as usual and things juz flow....like JUST flow... quite interesting isn't it? i never tot wld be so smooth

and we were both glad (hope sharon agrees) about the late nite chat...tt we kept extending the hours..... =( finally now is 3.36am...and we finally MUST slp..else tml got 2 pandas!

so now need to get beauty slp and rest those tired eyes...

Thanks Sharon, for the insightful chat...and Kelvin for the suggestion...dunno wat to call tt!

Sometimes it's quite amazing....

Strong Woman...

Just now I was telling someone that I am but a woman.

I also need someone to take care of me...oso need to feel loved...need to be pampered...

I am juz a woman who is forced to take on all these responsibilities at work and become a strong woman.... nu qiang ren...ALTHOUGH oso not very qiang...

somewhr inside...hidden very well...is a vulnerable woman...afraid to be hurt....

have trained myself to be strong...have a strong exterior...pretending that nothing affects me... esp not relationship....

but i long for someone whom i can trust and really open my heart to....and someone whom I won't be afraid will hurt me...and even if hurt me, I would still be willing to open my heart... possible? If not, can I be alone, juz alone by myself...

I was hurt too deeply once and thus the heart is closed now....i tink he did not managed to really open it after all...