absolute amazement...

Totally amazed last night with someone...

after a few months of tinking, he's still bent on working it out and continuing.. in spite of saying he knows wat i need, he's not doing it. He claims he knows i need emotional support and sharing of feelings... yet he is not doing it. whether it is choice or watever i dunno.

I had given him the time to come to terms wif wat is going to happen. i had been very patient with him cuz i know wat he is like, he needs LOTSA TIME cuz he need to procastinate. giving him till end of the year to come to terms wif wat is going to happen. helping him along wif watever thinking he needs to do. giving him a chance to know wat i am thinking and feeling...and how i had felt since a while ago, when we were still together. and basically convincing him that this is not going to work out.

he basically does not understand how i feel at all...which is a very big problem for me.

yty he shocked me when he told me he wanted to work it out. i tot the previous toks we had has made progress on why it wldn't work out. But wat he told me really shocked me. he still wanna try and work it out.

i was totally mortified.

when i asked him why...he say cuz he still love me. then i asked him wat is love. and i con't - love is wanting the person to be happy and take care of the person. love is not making tt person miserable, even when u know u cannot provide for her wat she needs. he keep quiet.

the time i hv given...i explained to him last nite. was to let him come to terms wif the decision. for those who might know me btr, i am not a totally heartless person, i can only say if i feel a person is trying, i will still try. in spite of anything tt i say. THUS if i felt there was any effort from his part, i prob wld re-assess and see wat can be done.

All the while, i dun tink any effort has been done on his part. He has done some thinking, i will acknowledge tt and I hv told him i appreciate this. but he has been telling me he knows wat i need. BUT i haven't seen him doing them yet.
1) he knows i need to share wat i tink and feel and need to know how the other person is feeling and tinking - has he been telling me how he feels and getting to know how i feel on a daily basis? NO.
2) Most of the time, the contacts between me and him are initiated by me, when i tot of smtg tt i wld like his opinion of. like i tot we were making some progress and if we cld move faster to settle the paperwork. Or when I have tots and feelings tt i wld like to share. HE has not shared much wif me before. NOT even after he claims he knows i NEED to know...
3) this thing abt wanting to continue - came out only when i asked him a 2nd time abt wanting to settle the paperwork earlier. it's the lack of effort and refusal to change that really convinces me it is not going to work out.
4) this is worse - i told him i am trying to come to terms wif another thing from the past but i do not wan to share wif him. he asked me 2 more times to tell him. i asked him to stop INTERROGATING me. sharing is voluntary. if a person doesn't wan to share, u hv to leave the person alone. there must be a reason. or coax the person to, gently. NOT FORCE the person to share. when u dun normally share wif a person, how can u suddenly be able to. i am really not a machine...and even if a person is more comfy dealing wif machines, dun treat me like 1 cuz i really am not.

All the above shows that he is JUST NOT getting the POINT!

There is just so much a person can take. and so much a person can accommodate. when it's not going to work out, no matter how much u say u love a person, it's no use. love is not to be said. love is making the effort.. to make the person happy even if u make urself uncomfortable.

that, unfortunately, is sorely lacking. on my side. i feel i hv done wat i shld over the years we hv been together.
when i asked him why he wants to continue. he cldn't answer. i answered for him -

cuz i have been taking such good care of him so he doesn't want to leave.
but i am leaving because i haven't had anyone to take care of me in the rs.

In spite of wat OTHERS see and tink, maybe cuz it's more internal/emotional things i do, i hv been accommodating to him much more than ppl can observe. i take care of his feelings and dun let him look bad in front of frens, take care of his daily needs, anticipate his needs...

A fren told me not to be bothered by wat others say - others can never understand wat is really going on between a couple. This i agree. he looks like he is accommodating me on the surface. in actual fact, he has stifled my emotions for such a long time, i have lost much of myself. in fact, last nite when i was toking to him...i felt more like myself when i argued. i was not accommodating him for once and really arguing. i had always tried to tink of how he will feel and not wan to hurt him...in spite of how he looks brave on the surface, he isn't tt strong.

i tink the time apart has done me well.. i am still me and whoever i am wif, better accept me as i am... otherwise i guess this is wat happens. won't end well.

For the last time, i would like to say...it is not going to work out. How you deal with things and feelings is not going down well with me. Finding someone more compatible is much better than to change yourself now to accommodate. makes both unhappy.

i know i wldn't be happy cuz when i am wif a person, i wan tt person to be happy. tt's how i tend to give more so tt person wld be comfortable. not many ppl know me well...i tink...but my partner has to. That is a must!

Another thing - it's like a given, i hv spoken to a few frens - guys and girls, that a man must be able to support the wife. If not emotionally, then financially. For girls, prefer emotionally, if all else fails, at least financially. I agree with this...and i was saying..in my words, i need to feel the person is taking care of me in at least 1 way. otherwise wat is the marriage for?